Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Why do I have this third blog?  Well this on is to vent the frustrations of being chronically sick and having to deal with attittudes and suppositions.

I have mental and physical health problems.  All of mine are invisible illnesses.  The only way you would guess I am ill is that I walk with a stick.  

I have ME/CFS which is what finally stopped me from be a tax payer.  I was getting sicker and sicker with the physical and mental effort required in getting to work, moving around the site and concentrating on work.  This was a pretty bitter blow because I liked my job but loved the social side of it. Falling asleep at my desk was normal, being unable to continue a task once started and interrupted, trying to be a part of a superb team where I was the one being carried and making the most horrendous and serious mistakes.  I was a liability.

With the ME, I have a whole slew of symptoms including constant pain, an inability to stay awake, inability to concentrate  ibs, delayed  fatigue after exercise, disordered and unrefreshing sleep, problems with my blood pressure on standing, inability to stand for any amount of time, dizziness, nausea, balance problems etc. I come in on the moderate/severe scale in ME/CFS terms.  I've also dealt with this for over 20 years.

I've also had a lot of surgery on my knees that have left me unable to kneel or squat.  I also have early stage osteoarthritis which is at its worst in my hands and knees.

I have chronic brittle asthma which has on occasion hospitalised me but is now pretty well controlled by the latest generation of drugs.

On top of this I have what has been diagnosed as treatment resistant depression.  This is held in check by a high dose of anti depressant.  I have been treated using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy but when under stress all the bad thoughts come back to me.

Finally a little over a year ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.  This diagnosis has finally broken me. It explained why I behave as I do, why people either love me or loathe me, why everything I have ever wanted in life had been out of reach.  I can't explain it fully because it is too much for me to even try to.  I'm now 48 - had I been diagnoses 30 years ago, my life would have been far more productive and less destructive  Enough said.

Anyway, more to come from misery corner soon